Last night I was in a dark place. Not a dark place that requires medication. But a dark place nonetheless. A place that made me wallow in self pity and eat more chocolate ice cream, peanut butter, and chocolate frosting straight from the can than I'd like to admit. It's ridiculous how it sort of all started with the laundry at the beginning of the week. I decided on Monday to wash all the bedding. Due to a not so large and not so fast washer and dryer it took all day. The kids didn't get to bed until after 9. Then this week 2 of them woke up with wet beds which of course means more washing. Basically I think that was just the start of feeling like my work is pointless. I think that is something Satan loves to tell mothers. That we should just give up because it's all going to get dirty again anyway. That self pity somehow led to more. I am having a bit of a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I will be 35 in January. That my oldest child is half grown. I had this voice rush through me that said "the best part of your life is over." That idea was like a vise around my neck. I thought of my oldest and wondered if he's just going to remember his first ten years of life being with a mother who was never satisfied and always crabby with her work. Then other thoughts crept in that made me want to curl up and cry. Like the idea of giving away baby clothes to a friend who is having her 6th baby soon. The thought of certain relationships in my life that are less than what I'd like them to be. This morning I woke up with my body bloated from all that sugar and my mind and heart bloated from the pity party and I just new I needed the Lord's help. I know this is not a hurricane. This is not imprisonment for my faith. I know this is not a death. It is not a betrayal of trust in someone I love. But it is an inner battle, my own personal pit and I needed to get out.
God's Word is good. Even when my time with Him is often interrupted and I feel like I am surviving on crumbs, it is good. This morning as I read the words, "The LORD reigns; Let the earth rejoice;" I was overcome with the truth that He reigns- when I am happy, He reigns. When I am sad, He still reigns. My heart is thankful to my God this morning that while I waver and change and falter, He is true and perfect and in remembering this I can rejoice. I must rejoice. Further in Psalm 97 it says, "You who love the LORD, hate evil! He preserves the soul of His saints; He delivers them out of the hand of the wicked. Light is sown for the righteous, And gladness for the upright in heart. Rejoice in the LORD, you righteous, And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name."
May He give us mothers gladness in our work. And in the mundane, may we rejoice remembering His holy name. May we be an example to our children of praising God in the midst of the never ending laundry, the crumbs, the dust bunnies, the need to be consistent in discipline and training that can often seem so overwhelming. In all, He reigns.